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Do You Go Through Depression?? How Do You Control It??

I am Jada Winder and I suffer from depression and anxiety.

My depression started when one of my closest friends from elementary to middle school passed away from cancer in July 2016. I sat in the dark a lot, cried a lot, didn’t want to go to school, but things got better after a while. My depression went south once my cousin died a week after my birthday. She was murdered in September 2018. Then October 25th, 2018 came around and I get phone calls that my big brother was in a motorcycle accident and didn’t make it. Hearing those words come out of my aunt’s mouth I couldn’t believe it.

Seeing everybody at my grandma’s house trying to comfort me, and I was just trying to figure out how? We had just talked the same day an hour before the accident he was supposed to pick me up from school.

I have 6 brothers in total but it was closer to the one that passed. We were the same person, we looked alike, act alike, did everything together. We called each other every day just to be on the phone. His passing changed me A LOT. I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I cried every night till this day. It’s been two years since he passed and I still cry every night and morning because I’m mad or I’m just sad he’s not here. This death is something I can’t really get over, I think about my brother every day sometimes.

I hate when people try to talk to me about him because I don’t like talking about that situation and what happened that day because that day still replays in my head every day.

This year of 2020 I lost my aunt in March. The doctors had found blood clots in her lungs I believe, and when they were going to start her procedure she had passed away at the hospital. I also lost my uncle in May 2019 to lung cancer. As some may know my birthday is in September during that month I get a call from my grandma saying that my papa passed away, September 25th, 2020 to lung cancer. My papa was really the only papa I ever had.

He and my brother were literally the same always made me laugh just by tickling me or always hugged and kissed me to make me happy.

I feel like I lost everything, I don’t feel like the same me anymore, I feel more depressed than I ever did. Many people say I’m strong because I always seem to laugh and smile when knowing how I really am. I just don’t like for people to see me sad because they know what I go through or what I’ve gone through. Losing my sibling brought me into a dark place with myself.  I would sit in the dark sometimes or just sleep because my mind is racing. I think about doing therapy but I know it won’t help me nobody’s been through anything like this from losing so many people back to back, year to year. I do hope that one day I could find happiness and not stay in this dark place I’m in.

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